Here’s What I Say When I Say Nothing At All

Most times, living alone in Seattle, I’ve felt as if I were suspended in cold water and I literally almost lost God’s hand.  “Sometimes, God’s love feels like betrayal” said Aaron, a friend of mine.  Often know what love really means.  God does.  Other times, I’ve felt so much utter joy that it could not be contained, because I discovered the joy of God using me, even in a place that is so dark, heavy, chaotic and crazy.  But despite all of that I’ve found life.  The few times God has used me, He has more used my circumstances and difficulties to grow me, even beyond my own realization sometimes.

God did His own little miracles in my own life.  I asked God to help me find choreography and for two months I couldn’t sleep becuase I had so many ideas running around in my head. Since then I have been so restless to create!  I’ve been wanting to get in touch with a christian professional film producer to try and get some ideas of dance on film.  I also had no film equipment of my own.  The next day, my friend Annie found an add on Craig’s list from a professional Film producer that said, “…looking for other christian artists in the Seattle area who want to use the art for God on film…”  We met with this man and discovered about his plan for Seattle’s first Christian Film Festival (SCFF) in the spring!  He also has film crews that he offered for me to use!

God has so much planned for Seattle.  Me and Annie, my friend and fellow YWAMer and artists who also lives in Seattle, have been discussing and praying about all of the vision that could happen in the future:

There is vision and also plans set in motion for Seattle’s first Christian Film Festival in the spring, inviting not just Christians to use their art for God’s purposes, but also for non-believers, in hopes that we can learn from each other.  This is also a chance to really unite all the churches in the Seattle area.

There is vision for a 24/7 House of Prayer.

There is vision for a “Hadassah House” where single women, called to be “Esthers” live in a house that will be a place for anyone to come anytime if they need help, or prayer.  It will also be a place for Christian artists to freely express themselves, paint on the walls, write music, dance and be with God, who is the Original Artist.  It will be a place for YWAMers after they get off the mission field to come and live and transition back into everyday society.

There is vision for a YWAM base with a Discipleship Training School to start in a small town just outside of Seattle.

Finally, there is a HUGE vision for God to provide the means to create an Arts Center, inspired by the Original Artist.  It will be a place where anyone can come and learn about dance of all cultures and styles, and for musicians to develop their sounds, for artists to paint their visions, and for film producers and choreographers to create.  The vision is that it will be a place where each and every artists can integrate with artists of other genres to support their creations.  As students support the center financially, so will God support the professional artists who will go out into the community, churches and the world to bring life and Truth wherever they go with their art.

These artists will use their art to join with God in redeeming people back to Him.

There is vision for the Arts Center to have a cafe where people can sell their art and writers and actors can share their works for feedback.  It’s impact on the community could be elemental as it is meant not to be close minded but to open all its doors to those who are searching, and christian artists who might have otherwise had their expression been stifled by the church.

God is redeeming the arts back to Himself, and He is doing it with this generation of young people!

Even now, God is building the foundation as many christian artists have this same dream, and this same vision for Seattle.  Many we have already met.  These are not dreams to be taken lightly, but must be taken step by step in prayer and we must always be on our knees before God.  So many miracles must happen for any of this to take place, but I believe that if we submit wholly to God, and remain faithful, it will happen, God willing.  I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life.

IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US, OR ARE AN ARTIST WHO HAS THIS CALLING ON THEIR LIFE AND FEEL A TUG ON YOUR HEART TO GET INVOLVED, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT US!!!  (Erica: ericapisarchuk@gmail.com or Annie: freebird210@gmail.com)

I’ve come to a place when description is not enough.  When words can’t hold all the expression that’s about to burst from inside.  When you know that no matter what you say, or how you say it, no one will ever understand you.  When you say nothing at all, but wanting to scream everything all at the same time.  When too much has happened to understand any of it, only that it happened.  I’ve tried to describe in sum what I’ve been experiencing with myself and with God while at Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle these last three months, but really what is written below says it best.

Here’s what I’m saying when I say nothing at all:
“I love you.”
Oh round, and breath
Release and feel my pain -

Believe and feel what You see me move -
Wounds and words of movement prove -
Circles of endless cycles repeated,
and stillness chooses me frozen…
You choose.
Choose to love me -
Even though I made You want to hate me -
Forgive me.
Stretched and spread, pulled and I go
Down to the ground rolled, but no
I have to break the flow
Because I messed up, skipped on broken ankles,
lopsided knees, ripped up hips and twisted backs,
lungs of lost air, somewhere inside sucking me in -
Failure to tell You what I could only say with spins -
Oh bending air of carved space
Invisible life supports I grab from the skies
poisoned by an electric self-induced longing…
Beaten and rolling by wind enfolding
and i cover my eyes to surrounding light
too dizzy because I spun
till I was alright
till I was alright.
—-
Gasp and pull to release it all
as if the clouds invited me rest
and though -
You didn’t say a word to me.

I’m still,
You have my head, my heart,

Me.

Curled, and folded, tenderly knowing
warmth seeps into my hand.
And up I fly, parting from cold underwater skies,
feeling the unreeling
unraveling the being that hides what’s inside.
Spinning Spinning Spinning
Faster over and faster
again and again and begin all over
and it’s all a blur, one heavy white Light of stars
glistening brightly on for silver glistened hours
emitted lavishly from an Elemental Power.
Unravel me from this Footstool You stand on
Spinning again like circles draw my lifeline -
beyond below, outside above
Freely liberated from conditioned Love.
Sprung is me in a field of green
In grass that grows with miles between
me and everything -

So it’s only You I breath
when I run out of breath
and I can no longer stand and sing -
You’ve enlivened my heart and it sings from my chest
as up I go and go and go
till my feet no longer know what’s below.
Till You’re all I breath.
You’re all I know.
You’re everything there is to know.

I open my eyes to be enfolded, immersed in Light
Spinning Spinning Spinning -
till I’m alright
till I’m alright.

Yet, in light of all the amazing things God has been doing in my life, many too in depth to be able to describe, I’m finding myself at a very high cliff in which God has already asked me to jump, and I have.  But it seems as if I will land in a place other than where I thought I’d land.

I do not have the financial means to finish my last two years at Cornish to earn my BFA.  Even if I worked full time for a year, it would not even be enough to cover one semester’s worth.  As one of the best dance schools in the country, I was privileged to have been able to get in the school, and to be able to attend there for one year.  I’ve learned more at Cornish in the last 3 months than I have learned in the last 10 years at any school.  Even though I will hate it greatly, I am faced with the decision to transfer back to a school in Georgia.  At first, I was heavily upset about this, because it meant that I would not be going to as good a school with all the connections I had made with the people.  Nor would I be surrounded by a city full of opportunities for a young artist.   My hopes for reaching my highest potential as a dancer and choreographer for God’s glory, was lessened.  But a dance program is what you make of it and I always try and be proactive wherever I am.  I still pray everyday, that God will find a way.  In any case, I trust that He knows what He’s doing with my life.  I can always return to Seattle when I am finished to help continue what He’s starting there.

But I still pray, everyday, that a miracle will find a way so that I can stay.  And I like to keep in mind what Isaac, a friend told me, “Learning to trust Him(God) rather than our interpretation of what He means is a huge learning curve.”

So I’m going to squeeze all the life I can out of Cornish if this be my last semester there.  I am student producing a dance show, choreographing a 12 minute piece, and was chosen for a solo, duet and group performance, not to mention having a full schedule of classes everyday, part time work, and being on the committee for Seattle’s first Christian Film Festival!  God has blessed me with many, many opportunities to let Him work through me, and I plan to soak in every moment of it with all my strength.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

-psalm 145:14-20

(first sketch drawn by Erica Pisarchuk, second painting done by Anne-Birthe Nord from Norway)